For some reason this story entertained me immensely.
The language the Daily Mail uses to describe these things is just laughable. I'm taking the liberty of modifying it in certain places. See if you can tell where.
The 23-year-old Victoria Swarovski, who is also a famous singer in Austria, married her childhood sweetheart and property investment boyfriend, Werner Mürz, over the weekend in Trieste, Italy, in a show-stopping three-day bash.
The happy couple stretched the festivities over three days in the Italian sun, with three outfit changes for the bride. That Italian sun is hot, and even a winsome and svelte Swarovski lassie can stink up a dress after a few hours.
They kicked off the luxurious weekend with a 'pasta and love' welcome dinner at The Piazetta at the Falisia Resort and Spa the night before the wedding and hosted a 'farewell brunch' the day after the wedding ceremony.
Pasta and Love. Lovely. Don't get any pasta sauce on your dress, Victoria, or ve vill send you to Russian Front, and revoke your membership in the "Beautiful People" Club!
The crystal heiress stunned in a 46kg custom-made gown, which reportedly cost over £700,000, and came embellished with 500,000 ice-like Swarovski crystals. That's an eight meter veil and train, encrusted with glittering, snapping, clinking Swarovski jewels.
Ze beautiful couple vill haf 1.4 beautiful kinder. No more, no less.
The oddly plain cake. Victoria seems to have a two handed death grip on Werner's mitt. Don't knock that pile over, sweetheart!
Ze best part ist naturally ze festivities.
On Friday, following the ceremony at the cathedral of San Giusto, Trieste, guests enjoyed a wedding meal at Maxi’s Restaurant Portopiccolo.
Bird's eye view of the party venue, with it's complement of super yachts. That is a place I will never go.
Victoria's mother, Alexandra, is a journalist and her father, Paul, works for the family business.
The guest list included her aunt, Fiona Swarovski and her son Nicolas Pacifico Griffini, real estate tycoon and Karstadt owner, René Benko, together with his wife Nathalie, industrial magnate Peter König, construction company owner, Claudio de Eccher with wife Laura.
Other notable attendees included Saudi Arabian businessman, Ahmed Ashmawi, Munich based investor Zafer Sanlik with wife Anja, TV-host and model Sylvie Meis and her fiancé Chabel Aoud and model Barbara Meier with boyfriend and real estate investor, Clemens Hallmann.
Ernst Stavro Blofeld and his puss were in attendance, as was Auric Goldfinger. Hey, Auric, the bride's eyes are up here!
Model Sarah Brandtner added some glamour to the guestlist, whilst Pharma entrepreneur Willi Beier and rapper Kay One were also at the event.
The evening event had a red and white theme and Victoria plumped for a red couture Michael Cinco crystallized red high-low gown for the bash - and the designer shared a stunning video of her donning the design on Instagram.
Herr Blofeld and Werner Mürz were seen huddled together, over tumblers of Jaegermeister, planning the annexation of Lesser Upper Slobovia and the city state of Spitzflugenstad.
After that, the World!
Dress designer Michael Cinco is one of the most lauded Middle Eastern designers and has dressed the likes of Mariah Carey and Jennifer Lopez.
The couple are currently enjoying a lavish honeymoon around France. The heiress has been keeping her 132,000 Instagram followers up-to-date with her trip and snaps show her relaxing on a superyacht and shopping at Dior in St. Tropez.
After that, Victoria will depose Cersi Lannister from the Iron Throne, and bedazzle the Red Keep with a trillion Swarovski gems. Werner will have the job of keeping Daenerys Targaryen and her dragons at bay, so Vicki can continue to live in her accustomed life style.
Well, best of luck to the newlyweds. But, I'm still sore that the post office lost my invitation. Send jewels.